The Ballad of Jonny Prequels

Let me tell you a story, children,
Come gather ’round the fire,
Let me tell you the story, of a man,
Named Jonny Preex

Jonny… Jonny Preex
Preex, short for Prequels
Jon-ny Preex
Jon-ny Prequels
Jonny, he loves them prequels

Now over at the comic book factory
Was a hard working young man
He was a man of few words, drove a truck as big as the sun,
And we called him, Jonny Preex

Jonny… Jonny Preex
Your truck blocks out the sun
Jon-ny Preex
Jon-ny Prequels
Jonny, I can’t see the sun

See, Jonny Preex had a pretty little girlfriend
And he didn’t live with his mom
So it might surprise you to hear, that his one passion
Was Star Wars

Jonny… Jonny Preex
Oota goota Solo?
Jon-ny Preex
Jon-ny Prequels
Jonny, that’s no moon

Now Jonny truly did like Star Wars
But what he really loved were the prequels
That’s right–the prequels
Episodes One, Two, and Three

Jar Jar… Jar Jar Binks
Mace Windu is kind of mean
Jan-go Fett
Kit Fis-to
Darth Vader says ‘NOOOOO!’

One day it got dark all of a sudden
At the old comic book factory
I looked outside, and there was Jonny Preex’s truck
Blocking out the sun

So I says to Jonny Preex, I says
‘What are you up to Jonny Preex?’
He looked at me with determination in his eye, and said,
‘I heard tell there’s somthin’ out there, somethin’ called
Expanded Universe… ‘

Katana… Katana Fleet
Luke married Mara Jade
Te-ras Kasi
Ta-lon Karrde
Chewbacca’s dead… I said he’s dead… those bastards killed him…

Jonny jumped right in his truck
And revved that monster up
Drove off into the darkness seeking the Expanded Universe
And we never saw him again.*

Jonny… Jonny Preex
Preex, short for Prequels
Jon-ny Preex
Jon-ny Prequels
Jonny, he loves them prequels

Jonny… Jonny Ee-Yew
Ee-Yew, short for Expanded Universe
Jon-ny Ee-yew
Jon-ny Expanded Universe
Jonny, may the force be with you
May the force be with you

Now sometimes, after you watch a prequel
If you listen real carefully
You can hear Johnny Preex flipping through the pages…
Of a novel ’bout the Jedi Academy

* Actually, that’s not true–we saw Johnny Preex at work the next day, and the day after that, and so forth.

click above for larger view

Jonny Prequels is in fact a real person–however, surisingly, his first name is not Jonny. Perhaps even more surprising, I actually do call him Jonny Prequels, or Preex for short. Even more surprising than that, there’s actually a tune that goes with the chorus to The Ballad of Jonny Preex. I’m not musical at all, so I imagine I must have heard it somewhere–it’s something along the lines of the themesong to the old Davey Crockett television series or the themesong to Branded which I recall hearing on an episode of Married… With Children.

Anyhow, I was stuck at work after hours one day due to awful Los Angeles traffic, and I asked Jonny Preex what I should draw. He suggested this guy, but neither of us knew his name or military classification. We just knew he was one of the Clone Troopers that attempts (unsuccessfully) to kill Yoda when Order 66 is given in Episode III. A few weeks later, when I got around to coloring this piece, Coheteboy (who’s more versed in Star Wars than Preex and I put together) told me Commander Gree‘s name off the top of his head, and gave me some color reference.

Phew. Writing ballads really takes it out of me.

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